Last Wednesday, March 28th, I successfully defended my PhD thesis, putting the end to a chapter of my life that started back in 2011.
I came to the MacDonald lab at the University as an eager eyed undergrad student, to complete my Co-op and honours thesis placement. I was introduced to a pesky and relatively unknown protein called CHASM, or SMTNL1, and sat down in front of a pressure myograph.
I enjoyed all of it so much, I returned a year later to begin graduate school, opting for direct entry into a PhD program in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology. SMTNL1 and that myograph became a very big part of my world. ZIPK, another pet protein of our lab, also joined in on the fun.
Overall grad school was an amazing and positive experience for me. I learned a lot, both in an out of the lab. I was heavily involved in TAing and had the opportunity to teach a part of an undergrad course as well. I was a member of our grad association, and later the president of it for our program, and the following year Chaired the campus wide grad association. Opportunities which allowed me to advocate for my peers while seeing first hand what is involved in running graduate education programs.
I was lucky to hold fellowships from both the Canadian Institute of Health Research and Alberta Innovates Health Solutions. Fellowships which enabled me to travel for work, presenting my data around Canada and internationally, in Aspen/Snowmass, Boston, San Diego, and finally Japan in 2015. My fellowships also provided my income, sufficient to support my own vacations to Hawaii and Europe, visiting both twice during grad school.
As much as I enjoyed my studies and the lifestyle of a grad student, I often suffered from self doubt and impostor syndrome, very common for Doctoral students in the midst of 5-7 year programs. As time in my program progressed I began to see two primary options, for what to do afterwards. Down one path, post doctoral positions and hopefully one day the road to tenure tract, a path I was becoming increasingly convinced I did not want to follow. Down the other, direct entry into teaching positions, at smaller universities, and colleges. Now this was an attractive option, I loved my TA and teaching experiences, volunteered with Let's Talk Science, a STEM education outreach program, and prioritized filling my resume with Teaching Skills workshops. Returning from Japan in October of 2015, I could see the end of the tunnel, a path towards graduation in a year, with career goals in mind.
Well the universe it would seem had something else in mind. With surprise twins on the way, old plans were trashed, a new goal was set: complete as much lab work as possible before their June 1st, 2016 arrival. Take a maternity leave (again thankfully funded by my fellowships), then write up and defend your thesis, while balancing motherhood and carting our family all over Alberta for Kevin's residency program in Rural Family Medicine.
Even that plan was thrown out the window as we were faced with hospitalizations, tube feeding, and what was unfortunately becoming routine for us, trips to Alberta Children's Day Surgery unit. And to be completely honest, I put everything I ever knew about my studies, about SMTNL1 and ZIPK on a shelf in the back of my mind. I needed to devote 100 % of who I was to Alex and Dom, ensuring that despite everything we went through in first year and a half of life, they remained my happy, silly little boys.
We celebrated their first birthday by smashing super hero cakes that they couldn't even eat. And while tube feeding changed their lives, kept them healthy and strong and growing, none of the many, many, many medical professionals we saw over the course of that year seamed to have a plan that would allow my boys to eat, and to put an end to the daily cycle of tube feeding, gagging, discomfort and vomiting that had become our lives. And from that place, there was just no way I could see myself being able to write the 300 plus page thesis I would need to graduate.
I fought for my boys tho, finally making our way to see the one Doctor in the province willing to try something different with tube fed kids. In September of 2017, we met Dr. Wainer on a Tuesday, and Friday morning we were back in hospital, this time to try something different. To just stop using those G-tubes and trust that Alex and Dom would take care of themselves and just eat. Sure the first two days were confusing for them, but by Monday we were headed home with two little boys who loved food.
Things were finally lining up for that thesis to really get underway. Although I had managed a page here and there over the summer, now with Kevin finished residency and taking some time off to be Mr. Mom, and Alex and Dom being the champions they always were, I got down to the business of writing.
It wasn't all smooth sailing, between fighting through the cobwebs that had covered what seemed like everything I ever knew about science, and surprise double hernia surgeries for the boys in November, writing that thesis was harder and slower than I would have expected. Throw in a heaping dose of self doubt and self criticism, every page I wrote felt tainted with a running internal litany of 'this isn't good enough, you should have done more, you are going to fail at this.'
Along with the unwavering support of my supervisor, Justin, and the love and help of my parents and in-laws, Kevin got me through. Giving me every minute he could to work on that document and to study. Reminding me every day that I could do this, that I was smart enough and strong enough, telling me again and again that there was just no scenario in which I wouldn't be successful. And letting me cry out all the negativity when ever I needed to, without judgement, only always with love.
Over the holidays and into the new year, I wrote. Plans for my exam were made, examiners invited. The thesis was finished, all 64, 000 words of it. I prepared a seminar, and practiced my presentation. My parents arrived to watch the boys and I headed to Calgary to spend my first nights away from them. I cloistered myself in a hotel room for those last few days, and so close to the end I started to mount some confidence. To remember that underneath the mom uniform I now proudly wear, I still had some science in me. I ran through my presentation one last time with Kevin on Tuesday night, and tried (and failed to get a good night sleep).
I'll spare you the details of my one hour seminar and two hour oral exam, except to say that I felt good giving that talk, and that the exam certainly wasn't as terrible as I had come to fear. Of course waiting in the hall while my examiners deliberated was a singularly nerve wracking experience.
So I suppose I am Doctor Turner now, although I don't know that it has really set it. Sure I have some revisions to do before my final document can be submitted to the University of Calgary Thesis vault or whatever the call it. Likely never to be read again. But I passed. Despite the long, and winding path I took to get there, I made it through to the other side. I told Kevin the morning of my exam, that pass or fail, I was proud of myself. I persevered through to the end, even when I really wanted to quit. Even when people would have probably been very understanding if I had quit. I mean, we've been through one crazy ride over the past two years.
Maybe it's not the best thesis I could have written had things gone a little differently, certainly it's not award worthy or particularly notable. But for me it represents follow through, and perseverance. It's a massive accomplishment, that I am still digesting and working on owning. And it's freedom, to move forward into the next chapter of our lives without something so heavy holding me back. It's something I will be proud to share with my boys one day, there will certainly be a bound copy in a place of prominence on our family bookshelves.
And for now, I'll walk down the full time mom path, happily chasing after my busy little boys. Carrying them over the hurdles that are still ahead of us, with the added strength I developed in grad school.
